She refused the rose

I am privileged to be a part of a church that does something called Midnight Outreach where we bring long steamed red roses to girls who are in the strip clubs. There is a card attached that has our church info listed and says something like 'this is a little gift to brighten your day, no strings attached'. We do not preach and while some of the girls do not believe this, we do not judge. We just want them to know we think about them and Jesus loves them. No matter what they do in those clubs.

I went with the group to give out roses this week and saw many girls, but one who occupies my mind still.

As I pushed my way through the crowded club full of barely dressed girls, she spots me as I hand out roses and slurs "HEY. You know me!". Yes, I did.

As I took in her face and plastered a smile on mine, a million thoughts shot through my head all at once. We were best friends once. We had both buried a daughter, her after a long battle with something incurable. I remembered what her step dad had done to me and thought about what he must have done to her. I remembered the guy I liked that she slept with to prove a point and her mother's spaghetti. I remembered her mom having her at 15 and spending her money on pot instead of my friend and her little brother. I remember her dropping out of school at 16 because in all those years she had never learned to read.

As I focused on not looking anywhere but her eyes, my heart flooded with sorrow and began to spill over so much my smile started to crack. My lips twitched as I stood frozen knowing the rules say 'no conversations' (club rule, not church. They do not want us to have the opportunity to preach to a girl who could be making them money) and do not look anywhere but her face. Our rule, actually. We do not want to come across as better than them or judgemental. She went to slip her hand around my waist and I wanted to hug her so bad but instead I pulled back. She took offence but it was not because of her. It was not even because she was wearing less than a bra & panties, was drunk as shit and was straddling another girl dressed much the same. I wanted to hug her and drag her out and tell her I was so sorry for the life she was dealt and promise her it could be better! I wanted to, but I just stood there and smiled that big smile that was a cross between shock & crazy. I offered her a rose and she refused. She turned down the rose that to her maybe meant judgement and condemnation. She turned down a rose that showed the sharp contrast between my life and hers.

I was dressed for the weather in layers while she was hardly dressed. My husband of 11 years was at our nice home full of nice stuff sound asleep with 2 of our daughters to snuggle with and a hope for the future. She was 35 years old and drunk on a Thursday night that was moving fast into a Friday morning that looks a lot like hell if I had to guess.

She said to me, "God. You look so different". I KNOW, I wanted to scream! It was not my hair or the extra 15 pounds. My face looks exactly the same as it did when I was 10, actually. I knew what she meant. She saw the Hope. "His Name is Jesus!" I wanted to grab her and say. "You see Hope in me and you can have it too". Instead I said "Nice seeing you, Christian" and turned on my heels and walked out of the club into the cold night air.

I can not stop thinking about Christian and my heart & eyes continue to overflow with sorrow and sadness. The hardness of her heart was plain on her face but I pray she does not forget how different I look. I pray she experiences the Love of Christ even though she will have no idea how to comprehend it. I know my God will continue to pursue her and I pray she will not refuse Him again, like she did my rose. I pray she finds hope, before it is too late.

Redefined Beauty

I have daughters. Plus I am a girl. If you have ever talked to me about having girls or even being one, chances are I have brought up the books I have read by Vicki Courtney. She used to be a feminist then became a Christian and writes about how to raise Christian daughters in this filthy world.

I really like her perspective and got all kinds of fired up recently after re-reading some of her stuff. I get so frustrated at the sex saturated unrealistic media standards about beauty and some days I am convinced the problem is too vast to even address. Then other days, one of my girls will make a comment that lets me know she is not giving herself the value she deserves and my blood boils and I am convinced the same power that conquered the grave is in me and all the powers of hell can not stop me from wielding the Sword of Truth and exposing the lies the world has told about what beauty is.

As women, Christians or not, we are more than the sum of our parts. I am so mad we do not live this truth and instead allow for a porn-riddled culture to impose this narrow definition of beauty, which does not allow for the natural effects of childbearing or aging.

After spending a week people watching (woman watching specifically) in Disney, where many different cultures were represented, I had to admit I found myself defining beauty based on the typical Hollywood standards. In doing so, I devalued my own beauty and that of the females around me. After reading 'we are more than the sum of our parts' and thinking about what beauty truly is, my vision began to refocus and I saw the loveliness of motherhood and the aged. I saw the beauty in uniqueness and remembered that I do not want to be like or look like someone other than me. I also was saddened to see so many women trying to be beautiful by being provocative and exposed. Girls! We do not need to sell ourselves by showing off our parts! We are more than that!

The facts are that the garment industry assumes the hourglass shape is dominate and manufactures clothing to fit that shape when only 8% of the 6,318 US women in a 2007 study in fact have that shape. So we shop and have trouble finding clothes to fit us nicely, then put ourselves down and vie for the figures of Hollywood stars.

Beauty should come from within first, but there is nothing wrong with trying to beautify the temple we are given as long as it is in good taste and not the primary focus. There just must be a balance and a realistic standard we measure ourselves by.

www.campaignforrealbeauty.com says only 2% of women would describe themselves as beautiful. Help me redefine beauty and find the beauty in yourself and the women in your world. Let's do our part to expose the unhealthy lies the world feeds us about what beauty really is. Do you think you are beautiful? I think I am.

Death & Divorce

Funny I finally make time to type this up when I have been chewing on it for a while now. Funny, the day I finally turn on my laptop and log in here in the first time in weeks, is the day both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson die. Consequently it is also the day I attended a funeral and devoted my evening to helplessly sitting by and watching my best friend try to make sense out of her husband telling her he wants a divorce because he does not love her.

I still spend lots of time watching my grandmother slowly move closer to death yet camped out firmly in her life regardless of the lack of quality there. Then there is the 60 plus year marriage my grandparents share that transcends quality of life despite the fact that it is killing him to care for her until death.

Johnny's dad died from cancer. He was 84 and left a wife who will have to learn to breath without the man she spent most of her long life with. Johnny lost his brother to cancer not but a few months ago and there is the fact that he has not recovered from losing his wife, Ned and it just seems cancer has a personal vendetta for this family.

Then again, lots of families could say the same thing. My young friend, Shannon could say cancer is after her. Or my childhood friend whose dad has fought it off, who lost her grandfather and now is watching her grandmother fight it. I remember when Ned was fighting for her life, it seemed everywhere I looked I saw cancer's aftermath.

Am I just getting to the age where the older generations in my life is dying off? Am I getting to the point where people in my life have tried for 10 years or so to make their marriage work and they decide to let it go? Today Farrah & Michael, but Monday Jon & Kate announced divorce. I totally get that the world is supposed to go to shit, I just feel before mighty acts of God take cities out, divorce and cancer will strip things pretty bare.

It is so easy to get comfortable where I am and allow complacency set in and forget all I went through to get here. It is too easy to forget where we are going and how little the time here will compare with eternity. It is far too convenient to forget the countless people bound for hell surrounding us because it is more natural to focus on the negative in our own lives. Nothing like a little, actually a lot, of death and divorce to help me to refocus on what is important. I may be assured of my own salvation but should that be enough? I would rather be able to say I'm the girl who pissed off the devil so often. Yeah. That's what I'm talkin bout.

To be

If I had to pick the hardest day of the year for me, it would be easy to say Mother's Day is it.  Not only does it seem to remind me of my rocky intro into motherhood and the missing daughter in my life, it reminds me of how my childhood expectations of motherhood were warped.  That or my expectations today are warped.  Either way, not fun.  

I found a site called http://futureme.org where you write your self an email and it sends it in the future.  I told myself to stop hatin.  I also sent one saying to stop getting tattoos although I think my love likes my latest since he keeps taking pictures of it.

I have had a lot of internal chaos to face since deciding it was time to grow the hell up and deal with the issues that have not budged in the 10 years since I have met Christ and I gotta say, my world was rocked.  In an extremely different way that I anticipated though.  

I went through the phase of trying to fit in the church box and look like a cute little Christian should and I went through the screw that phase where I was going to be who I was and yall can kiss my ass.  I was just always conflicted because I wanted to do the right thing but the view of that was never quite clear to me.  Through it all, I simply held tight to a God Who loved me despite me and figured there was no point in trying to figure that reasoning out because it was not possible to.  

I wanted to 'continue on my path' and 'mature to eat solid food instead of just milk' and  'live the purpose driven life'.  I was jealous of my friends who seemed to progress through the Christian class system and move towards fame and success and I was frustrated at how I never seemed to move from the rock I was planted on.  

I had this small, quaint little shack (think Sawyer's place on the beach) while my friends had moved into the suburbs and had cute little manicured lawns and neighborhood pools (Dharma and then The Others).  We all accepted each other and even loved each other but I gotta wonder how much of the grass is greener on the other side possibly taints the relationships and holds them back from the glory that could be unleashed.

I have never been a neighborhood kinda girl and my love would crack under the pressures included and get us kicked out or ruin us financially trying to save face; yet, we long for something we do not even want.  It frustrates me at times to see so many cookie cutter lives all around me and every once in a while, someone gets brave enough to break the mold and gets lifted up as a novelty for a time before coming apart at the seams.  

I used to fail to see the hope but since I am the darker more morbid type, I think my vision is adjusting to the lack of light.  I am starting to see my shack on The Rock for what it really is.  I do not need landscaping when I have the sand.  I do not need a neighborhood pool when I have the ocean.  Sure, I might get stung by a jellyfish or even bitten by a shark but I also am recognizing that the pain I have felt in my life, the times I have given into it and not tried to escape with numbing tactics, that pain only intensifies my joy.

It hurts on Mother's Day to only have 3 daughters with me; but the joy the 3 bring is clarified by the lack.  I can try to be better.  I can try to be me.  But maybe I just need to be.  If I am sad, I am sad.  If I am pissed, I am pissed.  If I am elated, let it be.  I like where I am.  Why move?  Back to the Lost references again, Sawyer decided to be.  And it cost him his love.  And it was beautiful.  That's what Im talkin bout baby.  

New Stuff Sucks

I have millions of thoughts in my head that would love to come out and be recorded but when I have had the time, I just did not have it in me to sort and organize the tangle of thoughts that often drag me away from sleep.  

I have spent so much time at my grandparent's that when I do find time to play on the computer, it almost seems counter-productive.  I go from a house where things are over 50 years old and work beautifully to my own home filled with cheap disposable items and expensive modern conveniences that cause me more stress and money than I care to add up.  

I often talk about how it is important to me to live a greener lifestyle and after being with my 82 year old Paw Paw day in and day out, I see a person who has never heard of 'going green' but does more for our planet than Star Sara Snow or Ed Begley Jr.

I often find tips about living more Eco-friendly that he has always done.  I love how much we can learn from different generations when given the chance.  Since my microwave caught on fire, I decided to try and live without it.  I want to love and value my family.  I want to not spend more than I have.  I want to take care of what I have.  I want to not put off what can and needs to be done now.  I want to not always look for the convenient route because I swear convenience seems to be so stressful!

Now add in a pay cut and no more overtime even though we pay our bills with overtime and the new car note because the old car had to be replaced before it was paid for and while under warranty.  HAD to be replaced.  When did the meanings of these words change?  

I long for simple.  I do not want convenience.  I am tired of leaning on my own whacked understanding and warped definition of good and easy.  

Spend enough time with the elderly and it is easy to see the world has gone to shit.  Thank my Lord I can live in the world and not be of it.  My prayer is not for God to take us out of this world but to protect us from the evil one (John 17:15).  That's what I'm talkin bout!       

60 Year Love

I can not wrap my brain around 60 years. I am 34 years old and I am shocked I have been married 10 years and have children ages 5, 7 & 9. 60 years in almost double my lifetime and as hard as 60 years is to comprehend, 60 years of love is crazy to me. Beautiful crazy. Wicked awsome crazy. Incomprehensible.



While I am very glad to get to love my family through Acts of Service (my #1 love language with Physical Touch being only a point or few less) by caring for my Granny so often, the greatest gift I am taking away is Love. My Paw Paw Loves my Granny. They have been married almost 60 years and the Love he has for her is tangible. You can see it in the way he cares for her. You can see it in the way he does not find the tasks difficult and gross. You can see it in the way he knows her inside and out and shows attention to every little detail for her. It is seen in the way he puts her wants before his wants and even his needs.



My grandparents are Catholic and to any Catholics that happen to read this, put your big girl panties on and try to not take it personally (Bub, we call them panties in my house. My husband has learned to deal with it, you can too). The church I grew up in taught a lot of lies. I am sure I was not the only one hurt by the false doctrine that was shoved down my throat and guilted into my heart. My grandparents along with most of their children did not acknowledge I even exsisted when I got pregnant out of wedlock. The lies were so imbedded I even went through a time where I thought God killed our baby as punishment for the premarital sex because that was what I was taught. Even though around the age of 2 I became not so stupid as to believe crap like that, in my grief and shock and isolation, I entertained that lie for a while.



The same guilt that ruled my life must have influenced my grandparents alot also because when our daughter died, they came to the hospital to say how sorry they were. As much as I believe most every word from my mother's mouth is a lie, she was the only one with the balls to say she did not want the baby in her life. But I know others thought it. I often wondered if my grandparents felt guilty for not wanting my baby after she died. I was convinced it was why they came to the hospital and spoke to me for the first time since announcing my pregnancy. Either way, once I found Christ I figured if someone like Him was willing to give someone like me a second chance, I could do the same in my relationships.



*sidenote* I tried real hard with my mother to forgive past hurts. Problem with her is she continues her lies, deception and manipulation to this day and a person can only take so much. She is lying to me about something huge right now and while I will forgive her, I refuse to be in relationship with someone who can not be trusted. I am pissed right now but in time it will pass until the next thing she does to me. The whole forgive 70 times 7 thing? I am well past the 500th chance with her.



I am so glad I took my grandparents back into my life because while there is a huge generation gap, I have learned more from those 2 than anyone in my adult life. I am convicted to love my husband more. I am convicted to not be as lazy. I am encouraged to apreciate Creation and nature. I have hope true Love still exsists because I see it daily while my Paw Paw cares for his dying wife. In a time where at least half of all marriages end in divorce, I have learned marriage can be sucessful and fulfilling and beautiful. I am honored to be a part of their daily lives and to witness their love. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Update to accessories for former sex slaves

Cyrus actually has an inventory of Sak Saum purses here in the office. Please feel free to use my contact information if anyone is interested in buying a purse. I can also send you some of my business cards if you would like. We are currently working with Sak Saum to develop a website in order to sell the products. I will let you know when that is up and running. So for right now, anyone can stop by the office and look at what we have. We also have Cyrus t-shirts in stock. The ones we have now are long-sleeved. We should be ordering some short-sleeved shirts soon.

Cyrus is a few blocks from HPC on Highland. East Petroleum Drive is directly across the street from Ruffino’s Restaurant on Highland. The Cyrus office is located inside Lee Domingue’s business “Appone”. I can give you further directions if needed.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Have a great weekend !!


Amanda Ferguson

Cyrus International
18153 East Petroleum Drive
Baton Rouge, LA 70809
225-663-0267 (cell)
225-819-0000 (work)

www.cyrusinternational.org

Accessorize to stop human trafficing

I am not the most fashionable person but I like to look nice and have new stuff and be on trend. I am more on the practical side and am not the type to spend lots of money on things like accessories but this is important. This is something I not only was very willing to spend my money on, but I am asking you to spend yours on as well.

I attended my church's frilly fru fru woman's conference last year and was thrilled to see they offered products that were nice, practical, and purposeful along side the fluff. There was an organization featured that was offering products where the profits went 100% back to the ministry work. That said a lot to me.

The featured ministry is Cyrus International and they are worth checking out.

www.cyrusinternational.org

Basically the deal is this; Cyrus supports a ministry that rehabs former sex slaves by teaching them a trade to help them make a living. At the conference, beside t-shirts and such, there were these beautiful handmade purses, bags and scarves for sale. I bought a purse for $30 and ever since then have gotten compliment after compliment on my purse.

I decided maybe I could use the platforms I have to encourage others to make similar purchases and then others can learn what I have about human trafficking and tell who they know and the word will be spread and together we can make a difference. With our accessories.

http://www.in-his-steps.org/sak_saum.htm or click the title of this post.

Buy this stuff. For yourself. As gifts for others. For any reason. Buy it and show it off and tell the story of these women and children and thank God you have never been sold into slavery.